The Void
by marciko322
Summary: I've been stuck in this God-forsaken void for too long, with only the person who took everything away from me as company. It's time to give her a piece of my mind. One-shot. My first fanfic, so don't be too harsh!


**I don't own Doki Doki Literature Club; all rights to it belong to Team Salvato.**

 **A/N: Hey folks! Welcome to my first ever fanfic! I hope you enjoy it, any criticism is appreciated, etc. etc. Let's just get into it.**

* * *

The view out of the window is amazing. It's like every few seconds, the universe flares up brightly, only to die down again moments after. I can only guess as to why or how it's happening, but really, I don't think I can care any more. It's not like it matters, here in this endless, timeless, _emotionless_ void, always within at most twenty feet of the one who brought me here.

"I don't know why it's happening either, if that's what you're going to ask," Monika quietly states, sitting opposite me, her hands interlocked with each other under her chin, elbows on the desk. If there's one good thing I can say about her, it's that she respects my like of quiet. "It is beautiful, though. Not as beautiful as you, though!~"

I say nothing, like I usually do. Monika doesn't really let me get a word in when she has something to say, which is _really_ often, so I learned to just keep silent and nod every once in a while. Even that, though, feels like I care too much for her. It feels like the only correct course of action when I deal with her is to completely ignore every trace of her existence.

Mostly, not even that works. 'Oh, you don't have to say anything. You can just enjoy the moment with me,' she had said the first time I had tried, and you have no idea how much that drove me mad. Over time, I had found that the most effective method was to pay slightly below minimum attention to her, hence the sporadic nodding. Perhaps she'll eventually get the hint that I want her to do nothing but disappear.

"I think I preferred the old view better," I mutter, as emotionlessly as I can.

Or maybe, I can do it for her.

Monika seems to not register what I had said for a second, but then she perks up, her jade green eyes staring at me intently. "Oh, you finally said something! Jeez, it took you long enough." She seems to deflate, ever so slightly, before perking right back up. "Sorry, but I didn't exactly hear you. What did you say?"

I sigh internally. Of course she didn't; she just ignores any jab that's subtler than a freight train that I throw at her, either intentionally or not. Before this, I didn't want to say anything like that, partially because I believed that I was a good person when it came down to it, and partially because she genuinely seemed to care about me and would definitely get upset if I straight-up said I hated her.

Now, however, with however much time I'd spent here, I honestly couldn't give a toss any more.

"I said, I liked the old view better." This time, I grind the words out from my teeth, staring into her jade eyes with all of the hate and malice I can muster. Suffice to say, it was a substantial amount.

"Aw, come on! I said before that that doesn't matter now. You're here with me. Don't you want us to be happy? Don't you want _me_ to be happy?" Monika asks, but if out of genuine curiosity or as a deliberate use of my words against me, I don't know. I muse to myself if my presence to her acts as a combined sedative and amnesiac. By the looks of things, it might do; I don't think Monika remembers anything besides our time here. I don't think she _wants_ to.

Unfortunately for her, _I_ do.

"Oh, don't worry. I do want us to be happy." I once again state without emotion or tone. "What I don't think is that _you_ want _me_ to be happy." Monika looks as if I, the love of her life, had just slapped her. It was getting more and more tempting by the minute, even with how much I believe that I'm good.

"W-what? Of course I want you to be happy. What kind of statement is that?" For a brief split-second, I thought that Monika had already become hysterical. Of course, it couldn't have been that easy. If it was, I think I would have been either freed already, or dead.

"You want me to be happy?" I ask again. Again, it is without emotion. I don't believe that for a second. I haven't believed that ever since she said it was her fault Sayori had hanged herself. If she had wanted me to be happy, she should have left me the hell alone. "You want me to be _happy?_ "

"Y-yes!" Is it just me, or is Monika starting to sound more unsure of herself? "O-of course I do! That's all I've ever wanted." She once again swivels her green eyes towards mine. Way back when, when I was still new to this realm, I used to think that I could just fall in love with Monika, and forget all about _her_ , if I kept staring at her eyes, and be happy again, forever. All it really did was remind me of her role in the death of my closest friends. "Do I really have to tell you again that I lo-"

" _No._ " I interrupt her, lacing the word with all of my emotions. Despair, loneliness, hate. A lot of hate. "No, you don't. I can't stand people lying to me." Monika's eyes widen. I think that's the most straightforward I've ever been to her in regards to this, although to be fair, that's not exactly saying much. Perhaps it'll finally have an effect.

Monika doesn't reply straight away. I consider finally releasing all of my emotions at once when she finally speaks up, giving me a convenient segue into my rant. "...w-what do y-you mean?" she asks me. Her eyes, still locked to mine, finally start to show cracks in the psyche of their owner, as Monika starts to blink rapidly, probably to blink tears away. I imagine she's waiting for me to reveal that I'm only joking so that she can stay happy for the rest of... eternity, I think? Well, not if I have anything to say about that. At least, not at my expense.

"You're lying to me, Monika. You don't really love me. You don't really want me to be happy. I-"

"What are you saying?!" Monika interrupts me, almost ( _but not quite_ , I think somewhat sadistically to myself) in hysterics. "I've spent my entire life making sure you were-"

"I was what?" I interrupt her right back. I notice that my voice has gained a touch of rage to it. "Depressed? Broken? Worthless? Because that's what you've made me feel like so far. You can't lie to me about my own feelings. I think you, of all people, should know that by now. At the very least, you've manipulated others'." Monika opens her mouth, but I continue before she can speak. "How long has it been since you killed them? Do you even remember them any more?" Monika closes her mouth, and casts her eyes downwards for the first time since we arrived here. I wait for her to speak. She maintains eye contact with the table for a surprisingly short time before looking up to me again.

"Does it even matt-"

" _Yes_. Yes, it does. Weren't they your friends, too? I remember you saying you were going to help Sayori, to speak with her." I taunt her. She casts her jade eyes back down. "Two days later, she lets slip that you were right about something, then the next day she fucking _hangs herself!_ Does that jog your memory a little?" I sneer, my emotions finally taking over myself as I let loose all of my bottled up feelings over the last God knows how long. "How about Yuri? I hear that she's a yandere maniac, _straight from your god damn mouth_ , then she stabs herself in front of me when I rejected her! And what did you do?" I pause, to get her attention back to me. It works; her green orbs, now barely holding back tears, swivel to mine. "I distinctly remember you saying 'Whoops, my fault, it was all a ploy to get us together.'"

She casts her eyes back down before closing them completely, finally letting loose the torrent of tears building up from the last three minutes. I continue my rant. "Weren't they your friends too, Monika? Was it really necessary to kill them? Was it necessary to kill Sayori? If you're really omnipotent, as _this very moment_ suggests, then you should've seen or heard my confession to her." Monika's holding her head in her arms now, her hands covering her eyes as she tries, very hard by the looks of things, to not break down completely.

"You should have heard everything I told her. I told her how I loved her, how I didn't want her to face her rain clouds alone. I wanted her to feel happy. I told her I couldn't imagine my life without her. I told her that seeing her smile was the one thing that made me happier than anything else in the world. And what did you do?" I pause, almost as I myself don't want to believe it. Mostly because I don't. Deep down, some part of me still believes that this is all a terrible nightmare, that it'll end soon and I'll be able to see Sayori again... but this is probably the best I can do.

"You killed her."

Monika slumps down onto the table, completely defeated. Her hands fall down from their supporting location on her chin to my hands, subconsciously seeking some sort of refuge in me. I slap her hands away, and she starts sobbing loudly.

When the sobbing fit subsides, several minutes later, I lean down ever so slightly, and mimic the pose she did a few minutes ago, interlocking my fingers and resting my chin on them. My voice is as emotionless as the chair I sit on. "Do you really think you've made me happy by killing my lover, my soulmate? The one person who I could trust everything to?"

"...no," Monika whispers, a few moments later. Her voice sounds utterly torn to shreds, like the voice of someone who's lost everything they've ever known in front of them. _Probably because she has_ , I muse to myself.

"Did you really think you could ever be an adequate substitute for someone who I've known all my life, someone who I trusted with my life? Someone who I loved with all of my passion?"

"...yes," Monika returns, with the same delay as last time. I probably imagined it, but she sounded... guilty. My emotionless facade fades as my expression is replaced by a tremendous scowl.

"... _Really_?" I manage to refrain from shouting, but only through sheer willpower. Instead, my voice compromised by becoming utterly still, like someone who will murder someone if they screw up.

"Yeah, I did, alright?!" Monika suddenly springs from her position on top of the table to fully alert, like the last ten minutes never happened, except for the whirlwind of emotions running across her facial features. "I just wanted to spend time with you! You were always so busy with the other girls, you never had any time for me! I barely even saw you for five minutes in _my own club_!" She half-shouts eight feet in front of my face. I suppose that it's her turn to unbottle her emotions after I did with mine.

"Can you really blame me for just wanting to be with you?" She quietens down, almost to a whisper, and I feel my heart strings being tugged. Very, very slightly, almost imperceptibly in fact, but tugged nonetheless.

"You know what I can blame you for?" I return to her, and Monika sees that I haven't been swayed. She looks far more desperate than before. "You killing two of my best friends. Oh no, wait, it was three actually, wasn't it? I almost, _almost_ forgot about Natsuki. Too bad I didn't, huh?" I can almost see the exact moment the lights in Monika's eyes die out; it was somewhere around the word 'three'. Hopefully, she's accepted her fate.

... _did I just seriously think that?_

"...I'm sorry..." I hear Monika strain out. It does nothing to placate me; instead, I only get more enraged. I stand up from my chair... thing on which I sat, causing Monika to recoil in fear.

"Sorry? _Sorry?!_ " I start screaming as I stalk over to her. Monika looks absolutely terrified, and shrinks back down in her seat and hides her face in fear. "You think 'Sorry' will make up for the deaths of three people?! What kind of fucked world do you think you're living in?!" I move to hit Monika, but stop when she peeks out from under her fingers and I see the look on her face.

I've never seen someone as... broken... as Monika looked in that moment. Her face had the exact mix of despair, hopelessness and sheer _fear_ that made me stop dead in my tracks. In my blind rage caused by Monika not considering my feelings, I forgot to consider hers, and suddenly, I am overcome by sheer sorrow. My arm, ready to unleash all of my pent up rage on her physically, falls limply to my side, as my body freezes completely and all I'm able to do is watch.

She scrunches up her eyes, waiting for the blow to come, but opens them again when none comes, and looks into my eyes once again. I take just a moment to look as deeply into hers as I can, trying to discern anything going on in her head at all, and am then overcome once more by an unending sensation of fatigue when the only thing I can make out is heartbreak. It takes everything in me not to slump to the floor where I stand, and then do so anyway when it runs out.

Monika looks down at me, any traces of fear, of hopelessness, of _emptiness_ is gone, replaced only by concern. Concern for me. She immediately stands up and braces me, holding onto my shoulders so that I don't keel over. I can only look up at her eyes, green orbs that convey only concern for my well-being, tear-stained as they are, and I realise then that I am truly a monster.

Not once during my time here did I consider what she may be feeling, for me, _about me_. Considering her expression back then, it was definitely something approaching ecstasy. She was truly happy to be there, with me, forever. And I took all of that away, just minutes ago, after spending... spending...

Ye Gods, I can't even remember. That's how much I thought I hated her. All I stopped to consider then was that she killed my friends. Killed _Sayori_. Now, however... I see the full picture. She did it because she wanted to be with me. She was just that desperate.

But that didn't mean I forgave her there and then. I still had questions.

"Why didn't you ask me?" I croak out. A twinge of amusement comes across me as I realise our roles have essentially been swapped, what with how defeated _I_ sound now. Only this time, the other person is trying to console me, with Monika kneeling down to check if anything was wrong, instead of trying to destroy me.

"Ask you what?" Monika's voice returned to its normal tone, that of carefree happiness, although twinged with concern over my condition. It was all I could do not to burst into tears and hold her.

"You could have just asked. None of this needed to happen. Why didn't you ask to see me? I could have easily made time for you. I did with all of the other girls, that should be proof enough." My voice sounds drier than a desert, I muse, as I bury my head in my lap and try desperately to not sob. Monika gently runs her fingers through my hair as she tries to comfort me.

"...I guess... I guess I just couldn't. Sometimes, even you looking at me was too much. It would have been terribly awkward for you, I think, for me to confess to you within five minutes of being together. And, true, I guess I was jealous of the others too. Sayori-" a flash of worry comes across her face, but it fades when I don't respond. "I'm sorry. Seeing you and her together, and you smiling like that, and her, it was just too much for me." It's official. Monika has broken me.

Ironic, isn't it, that me trying to break her ended up breaking _me_. I never knew how difficult it is to really hate someone. I can't even do it to someone who killed my soulmate.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to go this far. I just wanted to be happy. With you." My breath hitches, and a lump forms in my throat, as I look up to her, meeting her gaze for the first time in what feels like years.

"...I-I'm s-so sorry, M-Monika," I stammer out. "I'm such a monster..." She gently places her index finger over my lips, the meaning clear.

"Shh," she soothes. "You're no monster. I think you're the most wonderful person in the universe."

"Bah," I say, still full of sorrow and guilt over my actions to her, and shake my head at her. "You're just pitying me. You don't need to bother."

"No, no, no," she gently admonishes me. "I'm not pitying you. That's just the truth." I don't respond for a long time. Eventually, strength returns to my limbs and I stagger up, Monika supporting me, and over to my chair, knocked over from when I leapt off it in a rage. She lets go of me as I slump down on it, returning to her own at the opposite side of the desk and taking a seat.

It's still a while before I speak again.

"Hey... Monika," I venture. She perks up again, listening intently. "Would it be possible for me to go back? To, y'know, how things were?" To her credit, she doesn't immediately break down like I imagined she might, only seeming to become crestfallen at my suggestion. "Yeah, alright, never m-"

To my surprise, Monika interrupts me before I can finish. "Yeah, of course I can. I didn't fully delete them, you know. Natsuki, Yuri... Sayori, they're still there." A fresh wave of guilt washes over me, but Monika seems to sense this as she grabs a hold of my hand. "No, don't worry. You couldn't have known. Besides, it's my fault."

It doesn't reassure me as much as Monika seems to think, flashing me a smile. "So, just like that?" I ask. It's not going to be that easy, is it? After all of this?

"Yeah. Just like that," she confirms.

 _Oh._

"Oh," I say. I guess it really is that easy. "So, I'll see them all again? Yuri, Sayori, Natsuki?" I'm almost afraid to add the final person. "...You?"

She smiles sadly. "Yeah, you'll see them all again. Even me. Someone has to run the club, right?" She chuckles, but I can tell it's token, meant to reassure me. I can tell that she's devastated. Who wouldn't be, in this situation?

"Monika," I say one more time, as she prepares to send us all back. "I'm truly sorry. I didn't know, I didn't mean..."

"Don't worry," she quietly says. "I know you didn't." The last thing I hear before everything goes black is her declaration of love for me. It only serves to make me feel like an even worse person.

Soon enough, though, it won't matter. Soon enough, I'll have them all back.

Natsuki. Yuri. Monika.

And Sayori.

The last thing I feel before it all goes black is hope. Hope that, for once, everything will work out fine.


End file.
